Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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