My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
