While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
