Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
