saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
