One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
