how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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