I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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