Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
