maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
