im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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