i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
