Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
