I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i came on her dog
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
did i just pee glitter
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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