So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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