So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
