I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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