Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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