I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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