Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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