omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
