I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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