FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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