i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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