Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
