dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
