he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
