She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
