Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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