I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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