I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
