I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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