Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
