my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
