sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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