I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
