I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
