Already got asked if we're dating
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
