I cannot find my penis.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
