My liver just broke up with me...
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
