you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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