I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
