On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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