well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
