oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So much rum. So many feels.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
