He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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