you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
