Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
