where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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