St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
