i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
