btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
