thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
