I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Randomize
