god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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