I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
