Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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