True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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