Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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