I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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