Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Randomize
